Livin Large

i saw one of my friends arranged a surprise hookah birthday party for their friend. And i thought, wow, i have no friends who would ever do that for me. And then i realized i yell at a lot of my friends cause i’m italian…and a bitch. I also hide myself from the world……yea. I think as a kid and teen thats all i wanted, was a friend to show how much they cared. But that’s my job. i show my friends how i feel and usually get nothing back….oh well. I’m fine being alone i guess. All great artists are (i’m not a good artist thought)

i fucked up…..he’s mad at me…..i feel like i’m losing him because i’m not open…..it’s just hard..and i’m sorry………….

So, today i learned that my boyfriend wanted to pursue a career that involves a lot of traveling. When he first talked to my dad about it i wanted to scream and yell “no, no. you are not taking HIM away from ME.” but i realized how dumb that would have been, and how clingy it would have sounded. So like i said before we were talking about it today and all i wanted to do was cry and squeeze him. But once again i want him to be happy and explore the world. In talking about i gained some comfort in knowing that he is as much in love with me as i am with him (i already knew that but it was nice to hear.). All in all im just scared of what might happen…..can you blame me for wanting to protect what i love and hold dear. 

to my babe:

if i wasn’t 18 and in high school i’d marry you in a heart beat. but i wanna be able to be out of my parents house and starting my tattooing career. i love you. you mean the world to me. i love everything about you. you make me smile and you make me feel confident. i haven’t been confident about any of my talents in a long time. you twitch in your sleep by the way. you do so much for me. awwwwwww twitch twitch. i love you. i will never leave you. i am too in love with you to ever give you up. you mean so much to me. i love you and now lets cuddle.

alarm buzzes in my now ringing ear.

……shit….over slept….

freak out mode engage.

smell like the familiar scent of a bed

bed head hair

uneven eyebrows

no make up

glasses…..

day old clothing….

class bores me to death

daydream…………..

i dream that i am graduating from college, not sure which one though.

but i don’t care, i made it. i approach the stage to get my BFA in Art History……butterflies surge throughout my entire body, 

i feel weightless

……….Teacher, correction, Guidance Councilor awakes me from another sleep free

dream………..

i look like shit……..

“What do you want to do with your life? any colleges you wanna look into?”

my answer, “What does it matter! YOU guys are the ones who refuse to meet with me for ANY meetings! GET MY PAPER WORK IN ORDER SO I DON’T HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE  AGAIN!!!”

Slams door……..

“I have my shit in order. get YOUR shit together.”